Amused Authors


It’s Not A Good Party Till Somebody Bleeds by Kathleen
December 15, 2008, 5:58 pm
Filed under: funny | Tags: , , , , ,

I had the annual Christmas party at my house last night. I throw this for my kids and their friends, and any parents are also invited to come along and hang out with me, for moral support. The kids sometimes exchange presents, and I make all kinds of good food including my celebrated spinach sausage balls. Here’s the recipe for those:

A tube of ground breakfast sausage – your favorite flavor
A pile of cheddar, sharp, or swiss, whatever you like
A box or bag of frozen chopped spinach, or you can use fresh if you prefer
An egg or two
Enough Bisquick to make the whole mess clump together

Throw all this in a big bowl and squish together. You have to do the squishing together with your hands; no other tool will do the job. Then wander around the house waving your sausage-gooed hands at small children and going “Braaaaaains!” (this is a crucial part of the recipe). Shape into balls and cook at 375 until done, usually 20 minutes depending on the size of your balls. The ones in the oven. Optional add-ins: for sweeter taste, add chopped apples, raisins, nuts; for savory taste, add garlic, pepper, mushrooms, or use hot sausage and add chili pepper.

So along with the usual cheese log and fruits and baklava and other traditional Christmas goodies (you make your own traditions at my house) we had crazed children. Five of them. My 15 year old had invited all her friends, but only her boyfriend and her best friend showed up. My 18 year old’s best friend is in fact the sister of the aforementioned best friend, so she showed up too. The weather was abysmal, so nobody else came. If you’re counting, you’ve realized the Awful Truth: my 15 year old’s boyfriend was the only male in a house full of crazed teenage girls, trapped by ice and snow.

Cut to the video. It won’t be on YouTube, but only because I don’t allow them to post videos showing their faces. But it was well worthy of it. Poor red-faced teenage boy struggling against the merciless hands of three teenagers determined to get one of my dresses on him. Much giggling from the teenager holding the camera. I feel quite inclined to get a copy of the video to his mother on DVD, so she’ll have blackmail potential for when he wants to marry that unsuitable girlfriend. “He’s a crossdresser,” she can shriek, and show the video…

But that’s not the night’s only video. Nor is it the most foolish thing to happen to that poor boy. (There’s a reason I’m naming no names.) No, after a while, the older ones retired downstairs to do their giggling in peace, and the younger ones, being certifiably insane, turned out to play outside and make snow angels. The temperature was now down to -9 degrees, the night was clear and glowing from the reflection of a nearly full moon on all that snow. We made them wear coats and out they went. Camera in hand.

Next thing we know, my daughter comes back into the kitchen and gets a glass of water. Peculiar. When she comes back in, getting more hot water in the glass, we ask what happened and the Even More Awful Truth comes out.

Cut to the video. Darkness, swinging camera, giggling. The kids have put their hands on a car and found that they stuck a little, the condensation moisture on their fingers instantly freezing to the metal, easily pulled away. So the poor boy, not done with being foolish for the night, licks the car. Same thing: tongue sticks but is pulled away. Then they dare one another to lick a pole.

The next thing you see on the video, over much giggling from my daughter, is the two of them, heads to the pole, passionately embracing it, bent over because it’s a short pole, and you hear (muffled) from the boy: “Yay!” Then from the girl, my younger daughter’s friend, “Yay!” Then silence for a moment. Then in unison… “Uh oh.”

“Go geh hoh waa,” says the girl. The camera view swings down and you hear crunching in the snow as my daughter walks into the house, gets water, comes back. The camera is set down in the snow. Then, a scene right out of Blair Witch Project. The camera looks innocently off at a row of parked cars, and in the background there is screaming and crunching of snow, and pouring of water, and “Ow… ow ow… ow…”

They came back in looking very sheepish and tokking wike diff, and the adults in the room displayed shamefully little sympathy, and there was a great deal of laughter and falling about. The kids will be all right, of course, and hopefully they’ve learned a Little Lesson About Life. They’re really lucky, with temperatures in the negatives, that they didn’t simply end up with their faces in an icicle as the hot water froze around them. But their swollen tongues will diminish, and the blood left on the pole will eventually melt, I’m sure.

All in all, it was a very successful party, and we all had a great time except for the blithering idiots with their tongues stuck to poles, and they had a great time too really. They’ll look back on it and laugh. Or at least wince.

As for me, I had a blast, but there’s one nagging question that continues to haunt me. I’ve learned a little bit about the stupidity of teenagers, and I am fortunate enough to say that my daughter did not stick her tongue to a pole. However, the haunting question remains: did she refrain because she’s marginally more intelligent… or because someone had to hold the camera?

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4 Comments so far
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[…] tagged Christmas, humor, kids, life, party, teenagers at 12:13 pm by asherose Today, over at Amused Authors, I told the story of last night’s Christmas party. It’s really funny… I hope […]

Pingback by Partay « Kathleen Brandt

Loved your blog and laughed.

Comment by Cassie

Apparently your children have never watched “A Christmas Story.” *LOL* I mean, were they shouting “Triple dog dare ya!” at the same time? *LOL*

Braaaaaiiins. Loved it! *G*

Lesli.

Comment by Lesli Richardson

Priceless.

Comment by Charlotte McClain




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